


I’ll Be Singin’ to You Instead

by TooAwkwardToFunction



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Alana is a lesbian?, Anxiety, Ben Platt in general, Ben Platt songs, Bi Evan Hansen, Depression, Evan Needs a Hug, F/F, F/M, Gen, Jared is probably gay, M/M, Music school AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Tree Bros, also angst, and fluff, and for someone to sign his fucking cast, have you ever watched victorious?, its like that, mentions of cutting, very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24384541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooAwkwardToFunction/pseuds/TooAwkwardToFunction
Summary: Evan Hansen was ready to have a completely normal High School experience (or as normal as it gets for the stuttering anxious mess that he is), but his family friend Jared somehow convinced him to change that. Now, Evan finds himself at a school full of very artistically talented teenagers and he’s not sure if he can keep up. Especially not with the elusive Connor Murphy, who’s performances are almost as entrancing as his artwork. But even though Evan would never admit it, he belongs there as much as anyone, especially with a passion for writing and a voice like an Angel.(I suck at summaries, just read it)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 42
Kudos: 69





	1. If you’re auditioning, then So Will I

**Author's Note:**

> I feel super late to the fandom but I’m bored and it’s quarantine so what else am I supposed to do? I couldn’t sleep the other night so I decided to type out an idea I’ve had in my head for a really long time. It’s just so interesting to me, the concept of Evan Hansen but if he actually went out and sang like Ben Platt. Comment? I’d love to hear feedback on this or just talk to me in general! I don’t know, people? Human interaction? S p e a k i n g ? (I have a Tumblr! @thatonedudeinthecorner). Okay, cheers to a new story!!

“Jared, I said that I would—that I was going to apply with you only if I could, like, enter on the premises of my writing, not-not  _ singing _ !”   


Evan couldn’t control the shaking of his hands, his legs feeling wobbly as he gripped the only thing keeping him separated from the administrators. His family friend smirked at him from where he had his face squeezed in a gap in the curtains, his eyes scanning the crowd happily. 

“Oh, stop worrying so much,” Evan tried his best to glower at him through the swelling anxiety fogging his vision. 

Jared ignored him, moving to grab a stack of papers from the piano, the script he had used a few minutes prior for his own audition. “You  _ are _ getting in on your writing, but you also have to do something to physically show your talent. I didn’t think you wanted to act something out…” He raised a brow at Evan, as if daring him to correct him. 

“B-but  _ singing _ ?” He tried again, his voice shaking quietly. Jared rolled his eyes, hiding his concern behind the papers.

“You and I both know you have an amazing voice—”

“S-shut up,”

“—And this is your chance to do something you love! This is a golden opportunity, Hansen, even if you have to add a little pizazz, think of the end goal!” 

It  _ was _ one of the most highly ranked Art schools in California, and it would be an amazing opportunity for Evan to develop his skills as a writer...but…

“It’s not, I mean I don’t think it’s worth my embarrassment,”

Being one of the best schools for the arts also included the  _ performing arts _ , which meant Evan would be competing for his spot against really talented people. 

Even Jared was better at this than him, and Jared usually only got to hold his academic achievements over Evans' head when it had to do with project grades (more specifically,  _ oral _ project grades). 

“I should just get out of—I should just leave before I fail,”

Jared sighed, glancing at the piano briefly before his face lit up. “You keep working on your whole...whatever this pity party is. I’ll be right back,” 

“But you can’t just—” Jared let the curtains fall into place, officially blocking Evan’s view of him as he jumped down the staircase. “Leave me here...or I guess you can, do whatever you want Jared…” 

He huffed out an unsteady breath, his stomach churning uncomfortably as he wrung his hands. 

He couldn’t do this, what if everyone laughed at him? 

What if he messed up on the keys and he couldn’t even make it to the first verse before he broke down and fled? 

What if they took one look at him and asked him to leave? 

What if his voice cracked in the middle of a note?

What if—

“Evan Hansen?”  _ Fuck _ . That was over the loudspeakers, which meant one of the ‘judges’ had spoken it into a microphone, which meant it was his turn. 

Why did he let Jared talk him into this? 

Speaking of Jared. His familiar head of gelled hair reappeared on the other side of the stage, his arms wildly beckoning him to follow him. 

Resigning his fate with another deep inhale, Evan closed his eyes and began to roll the piano out from backstage and into the spotlight.

Except there was one thing wrong with the image...the curtains were drawn tight, meaning he was blocked out from the audience.

_ They couldn’t see him _ . But how did…

“Jared?” Said boy appeared over his shoulder, setting up the mic quickly, tapping it a few times experimentally to make sure it was working. “Jared what did you—what is going on?” 

“I pulled a few strings,” He whisper shouted, making sure to cover the mic with a hand as he did so, giving Evan an exasperated look. “I’m very persuasive,” Evan wasn’t convinced, and Jared’s grin grew even further. “I know, I’m awesome, now you have to  _ go _ ,” 

He pushed Evan down into the seat, giving him one last thumbs up before he sprinted off stage and down the stairs near the exit door. 

Maybe he wasn’t too bad...still mostly a dick, though. Evan was startled out of his thoughts when his name was called through the speakers again, his voice seizing in his throat.

“Evan Hansen?” 

“Um, yes, hi. I am, I mean, yes, Evan Hansen. That’s me,” He cringed, wiping his hands on his pants in a desperate attempt to free them from their vigorous sweating. 

There was a few chuckles from behind the curtain, but Evan was too busy staring at the white and black keys to notice anything else.

“You can start whenever you’re ready,” He heard faintly, his head swimming with possible mistakes he could make in the next ten seconds. 

_ “Just pretend like you’re in your room,” _ Jared told him when he was prepping his lines, which was when Evan had found him and explained his fears. “ _ Pretend like it’s just you and me, you’re doing Trig and your favorite song just came up on your playlist,” _

It was just him. 

It was just him and the piano, him and a million ways to fuck up his one chance to do something in his life. 

It was just him and those black and white keys, just him and a memorized chorus. 

It was just him and his music. 

He began slowly, his fingers finding their places on the keys clumsily, but once it was time for the words he had figured it out once again.

“ _ You say what if I go crazy? _

_ I say that ain’t gonna happen  _

_ You say what if I get lost? _

_ I say you’ll just find your way back _

_ And you say what if someone breaks my heart? _

_ I’ll put it back together like I do… _ ” 

He felt like he was about to choke on his own breath, and at the same time the crowd on the other side of the curtain was holding theirs. He hadn’t messed up yet, so he might as well keep going. 

“ _ You say what if I don’t catch the dreams that I’ve been out there chasing?  _

_ What if when my fears show up I’m too afraid to face them?  _

_ Well I can’t fight your battles, but I sure can hold your hand and promise you… _ ” Deep breath in, and then—

“ _ That the sky will still be up there, and the sun will always shine _

_ The stars will keep on falling for the ones who wish at night _

_ The mountains won’t start moving and the rivers won’t run dry _

_ The world will always be there… _ ” 

He closed his eyes, letting his hands follow muscle memory to find the right notes as he felt his chest loosen for the first time all day. 

“ _ And so will I~ _ ” 

He swallowed thickly, making it to the end of the measure before he let his fingers slow to a stop, the last chords still echoing around the room. 

He felt like the other side of the curtain was waiting for something else, but that was all Evan had to offer. He had the rest of the song, but this was just an audition, and he wasn’t even trying to get in for musical talents. 

“Thank you, Evan Hansen,” He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, mumbling a thank you in return before getting up quickly, dragging the piano with him as he stumbled his way backstage. 

Jared was waiting for him, grinning like a maniac as he helped him take the microphone off and put the cover back on the keys. 

“That was great,” He cheered, making Evan wince as he blushed all the way down his neck. “I mean, not as great as I was, but damn dude!” 

“I think I’m going to throw up,” Evan replied, grabbing his bag and sheet music from one of the tables, checking one of the pockets for his phone. 

“You can’t say things like that and not tell me if you’re kidding or not,” Jared chirped from behind him, and Evan threw him a look over his shoulder. “Uh...why don’t we get you a seltzer or something.” 

“It’s okay, you probably have your friends to hang out with,” Jared looked down at his shoes, biting his tongue at the heartfelt reply he was about to give. “I really appreciate what you did, I’ll just uh, I’ll walk home. See—I’ll see you sometime. If we make it, I mean, if we get accepted and all that,” 

He shouldered his bag, exhaling as he read a text from his mom saying she would be home late again. When he looked up, Jared was giving him a quizzical look, his brows drawn together. 

“Yeah, okay Evan. Just don’t tell your mom I forced you to walk home. That’s bullshit and I’m not losing my car over it,”

“Bye Jared,” He smiled lightly, swallowing the shakiness in his voice. Jared watched him leave, kicking one of the legs of the piano seat after he’d disappeared. 

“ Stupid Hansen and his...stupid idea of me,” He huffed out a breath, standing there for another few seconds before he resigned his fate and made his way back towards the audience. 


	2. I’m Tapping on the Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan runs into an unexpected obstacle on his walk home, and he realizes that one of the people he was told to fear might not be so bad. At least, not bad enough to be on his Top 5 Avoidances list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like writing as Evan, I feel like he’d think like he talks, which means my ADHD brain can go absolutely nuts with whatever train of thought it wants. First Evan and Connor interaction, yessss! I hope it’s somewhat ‘in character’ (though we don’t know much about Connor anyways, but I was going for a ‘I’m edgy but only because I’m emotionally constipated’ feel). Comment if you want to, and leave Kudos! I love reading comments, and feel free to add your own thoughts/questions, I’ll try to answer them. You can also ask me shit or just talk to me on Tumblr (@thatonedudeinthecorner), or just check out memes and junk. Okay, bye!

Evan regretted his decision of walking home as soon as he left the air-conditioned school.   


Sure, he’d always liked being out in nature, and walking places was a lot less stress-inducing (do you know how likely car crashes are? He’s not taking any chances), but in California summer? 

It’s not like he could just turn around and take back what he said, asking Jared for a ride. That would be like,  _ super _ awkward, and impolite. Also, Jared had better people to hang out with, and he was only offering to Evan to be nice...or for car insurance. 

So Evan was doomed.

Well, not  _ doomed _ necessarily. He could always walk from his house to school, it was only a few miles, and it minimized the amount of small talk he would normally have to make in the morning if Jared drove him, or his mom was actually home to do the same—wait no, that sounded bitter. She was busy, she didn’t have time to do stupid little tasks, like drive Evan to school. It was bad enough that she had to pay for therapy, and his meds, and...well...y’know, his basic necessities. 

_ She would be better off alone _ . 

Well, yeah, he couldn’t disagree with that. 

Of course, he could disagree, but then he would be talking to himself. And he was already weird enough. 

Arguing to the voices in his head did not need to be added to the list of Michael Evan Hansen’s issues (along with ‘oddly complex fascination with trees’ and ‘stuttering through everything he says that’s not lyrics’ and of course the whole ‘anxiety disorder’ and ‘depressed’ thing). 

It was fine. 

Evan had a few days left working at the park, and he had already planned out the perfect way to...kill himself? 

When he put it that way it sounded insensitive. But it was insensitive, in a way, since when did he care about how lightly he expressed his own self-hatred? 

And  _ again _ with the talking to himself! 

Evan didn’t realize he was about to walk into someone until he smelt them. 

That sounded rude and...very gross, but it was just the stench of weed that forced him out of his own head. He stopped dead in his tracks, lifting his head from where he was counting the lines in the sidewalk, identifying the figure a few steps away from him almost immediately. 

_ Connor Murphy _ . 

The name was usually uttered in front of a “Did you hear what” or blared through the loudspeakers. Connor had a…reputation, ever since he threw that printer at a teacher once. 

Evan sat behind him in English and Math, never really paying the other teen much attention unless he was asking to borrow a pen or something. 

Connor never  _ seemed _ as mean as the rumors suggested, but Evan was known to get information and ponder over it for far too long, mulling over the possibilities of how it could go wrong. And Connor Murphy was one big ‘DANGER’ sign, the red lights and blaring sirens in close pursuit. He was always that one question Evan couldn’t quite find the answer to, either with his vagueness, or the general switch in his attitude on the daily. 

So Evan had long ago decided that it was best to steer clear of the infamous Connor Murphy, only politely greeting when the situation called for it. 

Evan was completely unprepared, to say the least, for an encounter with number 3 on his list of avoidances (number 1 being social interaction, and 2 being bees). 

He thought of possible ways to escape the situation.

He could walk past him and pretend he was listening to music? But he didn’t have any headphones...imaginary headphones? Okay, no. 

He could act like he was getting a text, and pass him while staring at his phone? Well, he might think Evan was trying to avoid eye contact, and it’s not like he  _ wasn’t _ , but that might make Connor feel bad. 

He could jump into the bushes and run away screaming? 

So far the last option seemed to be the most plausible, and around the same time Evan was giving up hope, he realized he’d been standing still for an awkward amount of time. 

And Connor had noticed. 

_ Of course _ Connor noticed. 

For a second Evan thought he was about to be stabbed. 

He would have to thank Connor for that, but he’d also be very upset that he didn’t get to do the honors himself. The other teen was staring back at Evan, and he realized he probably looked funny (either about to piss his pants or higher than Connor could ever  _ wish _ he was). 

“What?” Was his reaction, and Evan felt part of his soul leave his body right there and then. He sounded annoyed. 

Of  _ course  _ he was annoyed. Evan had just been staring at him like he was about to murder a puppy for who knows how long, and he didn’t even have a  _ reason _ . 

Evan immediately dropped eye contact, gripping the straps of his backpack even harder as he looked towards the street sign Connor was leaning against, the smoke from his joint making Evan’s nose sting. 

“Sorry, I was just walking by and I didn’t want to bother you or anything—wait that sounds really weird not like you looked like you would be bothered by someone walking by, that’s a normal thing and I’m being weird about it—sorry that’s not, I’m just,” He looked up quickly, watching as Connor looked almost amused at his babbling. “Uh, I’ll just be going, y’know places to see people to--I mean that’s not, er, sorry!” He blurted without thinking, stuttering out an apology as he stepped around Connor quickly, nodding as he apologized again. 

“Jeez, I didn’t think I was that scary,” Connor called, laughing to mask his embarrassment when he saw Evan pause, looking back at him with big doe eyes. 

“I--wait, that was really rude, I think you got the wrong idea, I didn’t mean to bother you because that would be rude--not because, because you’re scary or something--sorry, I mean we’ve been in the same class for like two years, it would be weird if I was afraid of you--I mean not that I am, wait that makes it sound like I’m trying to cover my afraid-ness up or--I don’t…” 

His face was getting hot again and he felt his hands get slippery on his backpack straps, sweat coming from his neck and his palms. Damn sweaty hands, they’re so inconvenient. 

“Hey yeah, you let me borrow a pencil in Math. And you weren’t one of those pricks who makes sure they get it back as soon as class is over,” Connor took another puff from his joint, letting Evan catch his breath as he recalled the interaction. 

“Y-yeah,” He squeaked, turning his gaze back to his shoes when Connor exhaled, turning his head towards Evan again. “I’ll uh, I mean it’s not like I can assume what you’re going to do, but it’s just like a logical thing—what I mean is that, um, sorry, I’ll just see you around?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, feeling sweat drip from his upper lip and nearly into his mouth, shutting it quickly as he turned on his heel, speed walking in the direction of his house. 

Only later did he realize that Connor had said a “sure” after him.

Only later did he realize that Connor was wearing a black hoodie in the middle of a California summer.

Only later did he realize that maybe, just maybe, being stuck in his own little world kept him from figuring out the enigma that was Connor Murphy. 

That Connor was stared at, and Evan only worried that people were looking at him. 

That Connor was usually found doing something wrong by teachers, and Evan was only anxious that a teacher might give him a bad grade. 

That Connor was wearing a hoodie in the middle of the day when it was near 90 degrees, and that it might have been the same reason that Evan refused to wear shorts in the same type of weather. 

That Connor Murphy wasn’t who Evan Hansen had been told about, but that he was just surviving like anyone else. 

Or at least trying to. 

And Evan could relate to that. He was always trying to pretend like he was someone else—and maybe Connor was, too. 


	3. There’s so much you don’t know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan’s trying to deal with the aftermath of his failed attempt at suicide when he gets a letter of acceptance from Claremont school of the Arts. It’s also around the same time that he makes a second encounter with the infamous Connor Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! With another chapter! Huzzah! I really like the dynamic of Jared not being a complete dick all the time, and I feel like he’d try to be nicer through text. Also, Jared sucks at texting don’t @ me. I had a lot of fun writing the dialogue between him and Connor, and! They boys! They’re bonding! I love them. Anyways, comment! I love reading comments, and feel free to ask question about the story or just generally yell at me—I’ll try to respond. You can also yell at me on Tumblr (@thatonedudeinthecorner), I make memes and I’ve been trying to keep up with current events there too. BLM! Happy Pride Month everyone! Okay, until next chapter! :3  
> [TW! This chapter talks a lot about Evan’s failed suicide attempt, so he cautious when reading about all of that]

A letter.   


There was no talking involved, no eye contact on his part, nothing except his hair being brushed back, a kiss planted on his forehead, and a letter slid in front of him. 

When Evan was riding home from the hospital with his mom, the car was eerily silent. She offered him the aux cord, but he was too caught up in his own head to actually play any music.

After a while Heidi has turned the radio down, waiting for Evan to say something. Even when it was clear he was dissociating. 

“ _ Honey, you have to be more careful, _ ” She’d said almost as soon as they’d gotten on the highway. 

“ _ Mhm, _ ”

“ _ Imagine if you were even higher up...what were you doing up there anyways? _ ” 

He was silent for a moment, then realized she was waiting for an answer. “ _ Mm, _ ” 

“ _ Evan? _ ” He resisted the urge to flinch, picking at the new cast on his arm. 

“ _ For the view, _ ” He’d lied through his teeth, staring at the trees flying by. 

“ _ Did you have to go that high up? Was there… _ ” He’d felt the guilt crawling its way up his throat, and he glanced at his mom’s conflicted expression before looking back down at his hands. 

“ _ I just lost my grip...it was nothing, _ ” She went on to talk about scheduling another appointment with Dr. Sherman, but Evan was already gone, locked up in his own head. 

The next morning the two of them were sitting at the kitchen table. She had to go to work, but she’d given him instructions to pick up his new pain meds, and she’d mentioned something about Ativan being refilled. 

Before leaving, she’d paused in the kitchen doorway, giving him a look he’d often associated with concern. 

His hair was brushed back. A kiss was planted on his forehead. Right, the letter. 

He’d already been scolded on picking at his cast, so he decided to take the nervous energy in his hands and use it to open the letter placed in front of him. 

It took a few tries, each time he tried to grip one end in the fingers poking out of his cast, it would slip from his shaky grip. He opted to tear it open with his mouth, barely glancing at the cover before thinking better of it, staring at the torn envelope for a few moments before mentally scolding himself.  _ No going back now _ . 

There was a logo for the school printed on the corner of the page, right where it said the name and state of the place. He inhaled, mentally preparing himself for the rejection that was sure to come.

“ _ Dear Michael, _ ” He winced. “ _ Hansen. We are pleased to inform you— _ ” Wait, that couldn’t be right. It said ‘pleased’ there. Usually bad news was fished out with the whole ‘regretful’ bullshit, but this said  _ pleased _ . His eyes shot down the page, reading all the information about his acceptance and how he should be ‘proud’ of his accomplishment, because only a hundred something students were let in each year. 

He blinked, turned the paper over to see the back, then set it on the counter, sliding it away from him for a second. No no no. No way was he  _ actually _ accepted. It was probably a prank. Yes! A prank! From Jared or something. 

Man, he’d gotten good at formatting, Evan would have to compliment him on it when he would receive the text proclaiming that he’d gotten ‘rekt’. 

He sat in that spot for a while, his hand back picking at his cast, the addition of him chewing on his lip added to his nervous habits. 

His head was still foggy from everything that had happened the day before. 

_ He was climbing, he was up so far he could see above the trees. He could see the lake on a different trail, he could see the cabin where they had lunch everyday. He turned away, rubbing his cheek against his shoulder in a futile attempt at drying his tears. He closed his eyes, inhaled. The sun felt nice, it was hitting his face in a gentle sort of way, leaving it warmed. This was it. This was his moment. All he had to do was… _

His phone buzzed. And then again. And a third time. Evans' head snapped towards it, his hand frozen where it was digging into his scalp. He looked at the letter once again, feeling as if it had eyes watching him, and slowly reached for his phone, fumbling with it for a second. 

**Jared (Yesterday, 9:15 pm)**

Mario Kart? 

I got my letter from Claremont

I see u in visual arts 1? 

It says to check ur schedule online

mine says I have actual art class 4th Period.

**Jared (10:35 am)**

Hey, nerd

Heard bout ur arm

U k? 

Evan stared at his screen in silence for a second, his hand beginning to shake. He clicked the text box, his thumb hovering over the keyboard for a minute. “I fell out of a tree” sounded like something Jared would make fun of him for, so he quickly backspaced, staring at the predictive text column. He knew what he was going to say. 

**Evan (10:39 am)**

Hi

I just got my letter, I’ll have to check the schedule in a bit 

I’m supposed to go to the pharmacy in a while, I can stop by afterwards?

If Mario Kart is still an option, I totally understand if it isn’t

Almost immediately three dots appeared on his screen, signaling Jared typing an answer. He set the phone down while he waited, drumming his fingers on the table before spotting the letter again. 

He’d have to look up all the information online, and he’d probably also look up pictures of the school grounds—he was thoroughly unprepared for a new environment. 

Ugh, Jared was lucky that he loved him, or else Evan would never have auditioned to begin with. He would be going into Junior year with all the other normal high schoolers. He wouldn’t have to worry about embarrassing himself by sharing his writing with teachers, or memorizing songs on the keys—a job he had been given freshman year for the choir at PHS.  _ He wouldn’t have a chance to stand out _ ...but that was a  _ good _ thing... _ wasn’t it? _

  
Evan jumped when his phone finally buzzed, but he was too worked up to actually look at the text. He needed to get out of the house for a while. 

Usually he’d try to go to the park, but it was too early in the day and it would be much too crowded for Evan to relax. Plus, he’d promised his mom he would pick up his prescription, and he’d already let her down a few nights ago when he opted to skip dinner.  ~~_ Also when he’d flung himself out of a tree, but she didn’t know that _ ~~ . 

Stuffing his phone and wallet into his pocket, Evan stood in front of the counter for a few seconds, shifting from foot to foot, before taking his written prescription and heading out the door. 

He’d once again regretted his decision of walking, but at least this time he was wearing flip flops. The loud noise they made always left him feeling self-conscious, but the heat demanded that he wear something besides his best up sneakers. 

It was fine. He just had to walk into the pharmacy, hand over the paper, wait a few minutes (which he could avoid all human interaction by roaming the aisles), and then grab the meds and he could head home and watch Netflix. 

Easy peasy. 

_ Just walk into the pharmacy _ ...he’d reached the entrance, waiting for the doors to slide open so he could step into the refreshingly air conditioned store. It took him a few seconds to take in all of his surroundings, but after a few steps into the aisle selling cough medicine, he’d deciphered the best (and least crowded) route. 

There only seemed to be a few people in the store at the moment, including the tired looking woman who greeted him at the counter. He handed over the slip of paper with his pain medication prescription on it, stuttering out his name and anxiety meds after a moment, giving her a tiny smile before she told him to wait ‘just a moment’, turning away. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, keeping the neutral-esque smile on his face as he headed towards the ‘electronics’ aisle. 

He was thinking about browsing through the headphones they sold when he stopped in his tracks. A few feet away stood the last person Evan wanted to see. 

_ The _ Connor Murphy was looking at charging plugs, just spotting Evan as he looked up, his mouth tightening before returning to its original passive line. 

“Y’know, by now I can definitely assume you’re stalking me,” He greeted, taking the charger he was looking at from the shelf. 

Evan fumbled with his words for a second, before succumbing to the part of his brain that honestly didn’t  _ care _ anymore. “What if I am?” He shot back, then immediately regretted his entire existence. 

As he wallowed in his terrible life choices, his face heating up, he missed the way Connor froze where he was checking the price, barking out a short laugh as he looked back at Evan. 

“I guess I’d have to congratulate you. Following me around is the world's most boring task, which means you’d gotta have dedication,” He’d kept the smile on his face, pleasantly surprised at the answer from the anxious looking boy. 

“Thanks,” Evan let out a nervous laugh, attempting to busy himself by walking towards the headphones, his back turned away from Connor. Apparently he wasn’t done talking, though, and Evan resisted the urge to sigh in defeat.

“So, my newly discovered stalker, I haven’t seen you since the auditions for Claremont,” Evan tensed up, his brows immediately furrowing. Connor was there? 

Admittedly, Evan had come in late, but he was sure he’d remember if Connor Murphy had gotten up on stage and sung. Well, maybe he didn't get in for singing. Maybe he was there for writing, just like Evan, or acting. 

He decided to voice his thoughts, which required the least amount of effort. “I didn’t know you were there,” He backtracked. “I mean, I’m not saying that—I didn’t mean that in a rude way, or like dismissing your presence or anything—I just didn’t have time to really look at  _ anyone _ who was there, besides Jared, b-but that’s really cool. That you were auditioning, I mean,” 

Connor rolled his eyes, noticing how the shorter boy had almost retreated into himself, the rambling returning. He didn’t mind, of course, Evan was the first person to actually hold a conversation with him—even if it was fast-paced. 

“My sister was auditioning with her friend, she plays the guitar,”  _ I know _ , Evan wanted to say, it’s hard to miss Zoe Murphy. He’d say he had a crush on her, but he didn’t really know her all that well. 

She was attractive, sure, and Evan could admire her skill with a guitar (they’d spoken a few times when he’d stayed after to work on a song and she’d stopped in—scaring him the first few times—to grab her sheet music), but Connor was attractive too.  _ Wait, that’s a weird thing to say about someone right next to you _ , well, technically he wasn’t  _ saying _ anything, but still. 

His bisexual panic can wait. 

“I applied with my art work...auditioning wasn’t really required—it just put your chances of getting in above everyone else. I was only doing it for the fancy school, anyway, so it doesn’t matter if I got in or not,” 

“The letter should be here by now,” Evan said before he could think, hating how quiet his voice came out. 

“Hm?” 

“The letter. Of acceptance. It should have b-been mailed a few days ago. You should check for it,” He repeated, trying to get his voice louder, though it just sounded shaky. 

Connor was silent for a moment. “Oh...I guess I’ll have to look for it...thanks,” 

Evan nodded, his gaze flicking between the merchandise and Connor for a second, his hand picking at his cast. Connor noticed the action, a look Evan couldn’t decipher crossing his face. “Hey, your arm...what happened?” 

Evan felt his cheeks color again, and he opened his mouth to attempt an explanation, but his name was called at the pharmacy.

He gave Connor an apologetic look, actually sincere with his disappointment at the end of the conversation, but relieved for the intervention. “I hope you get in,” He said, stepping towards the counter where the woman was holding his medication. 

Connor lifted a brow in confusion, and Evan tugged at the collar of his shirt. “I hope you got...I hope you get into Claremont. It would be nice, I mean, it would be nice to see a familiar face,” He offered a half smile, then ducked his head, turning and shuffling to the pharmacy counter. 

Before leaving the store, he risked one last glance behind him, spotting Connor looking at him from the same spot he had been a few minutes earlier, a baffled look on his face. 

Evan risked lifting a hand (the one in a cast, he realized after wincing) as a goodbye, hurrying back into the humidity once again. He stopped at the stop sign at the end of the parking lot, taking out his phone to finally read the text from Jared. 

**Jared (10:41 am)**

Chill

Mario cart is always an option 

Kart*

Making pizza, I’ll save you some 

Evan couldn’t help but smile at his screen, sending a quick thanks in reply, and heading across the street. 

Maybe the school year could actually be interesting. Maybe...maybe he would have to wait just a little bit until he tried to jump out of a tree again. 

Maybe. 


	4. I’m Flying Blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi and Evan have a moment in the morning to themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t resist writing Anybody Have a Map, it’s too pure and I love how much Heidi tries with Evan (even when he’s too wrapped up in his own head to appreciate it). It’s the first day of school! Oh boy oh boy! The next chapter is in progress, so that’ll probably be here (hopefully) by Sunday. Okay, comment! I love reading comments! Feel free to ask questions or just talk to me (I try my best to answer :3). You can also ask me shit and/or bother me on tumblr (@thatonedudeinthecorner) (I make memes). Happy Pride Month everyone! Remember that all of you are valid, and I love you all!! ACAB! BLM! Okay, I think I’m done for now. Until next chapter!

Evan knew his mom was trying.   


She tried to act interested whenever he rambled about trees.   


She tried to get him to talk to her when he was staring straight through everything. 

She tried to push through the bags under her eyes when she greeted him that morning, her smile never faltering. 

“No dinner again?” He could tell she was trying to keep her voice steady, trying to mask the disappointment and concern. 

He shook his head, then thought better of it. “I...wasn’t hungry,” He said, looking back to his computer screen as he spoke. Or,  _ mumbled _ would be a better word.

“Sweetheart,” She sighed, entering the room further. “You can’t keep ignoring meals just to limit social interaction,” 

He could, actually, she had no physical means of stopping him...but it was the thought that counted. 

“And you shouldn’t need to even worry about talking to anyone! You can order from your computer, no phone. I  _ know _ how much you hate the phone,” 

No one could possibly comprehend how much he hated the phone. 

“I’d have to talk to the person who delivered it,” He couldn’t help but mutter. “And then you just have to stand there as they count the change. You stand in silence, which is almost  _ worse _ than having to talk to them,” 

He picked at his cast absentmindedly, stopping only when his mom sat down at the end of his bed. 

“Honey, you’re going to a new school today! I want you to make friends! Be confident!” Her smile waned, and she gave him a serious look. “You can understand my concern about all of this when you can’t even talk to the delivery man,” 

“Person,” He chewed at his lip, glancing at the schedule pulled up on his computer screen, the tab next to his letter in progress for Dr. Sherman. 

She was right, of course. How was he supposed to interact with anyone at a new school when he couldn’t do it at the old one? 

He wished he could just crawl under the covers and stop breathing. But alas, he was already dressed. 

“I—” He cut himself off, pulling at his sock in defeat. 

“Have you been writing those letters to yourself?” She asked when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything. His eyes flicked to the tab, a header the only thing keeping the page from being blank. “‘Dear Evan Hansen, todays going to be a good day’?” 

“Mhm,” He cleared his throat when she didn’t look convinced. “I have one here...I’ll finish it later…” He closed the computer when he caught her moving her gaze towards it. “Promise,” He added.

She frowned. “You have another appointment with Dr. Sherman this afternoon,” He tried to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth. 

It’s not that he didn’t  _ like _ Dr. Sherman...it’s just that therapy was...not Evan’s favorite thing. He had himself convinced that he was beyond helping, what could a middle aged man in khakis change about that? 

“I thought I had one with him next week?” He managed, pulling at his foot a little harder. 

“Well, now you have one today, too!” He resisted an eye roll, trying to match his mother’s enthusiasm. “I thought you might have a lot to talk about…” He didn’t miss the way her eyes flicked to his cast. “You better finish that letter!” She stood from the mattress, turning and giving him a strained sort of smile. “They’re important, sweetheart. They’re going to help you...build your confidence! Seize the day!” She raised a fist dramatically, nodding at him. 

He raised his own fist, wincing at his own awkwardness. “Sure,” 

Her energy seemed to drop, but she was persistent. “C’mon, let's be optimistic! The world hasn’t fallen apart yet!” He held back the remark about global warming, biting the inside of his cheek. “I have a good feeling about this year, you’re going to show everyone that amazing voice of yours!” 

“Writing,” He whispered, his brain cycling back to the third period ‘music’ class that was printed on his schedule. 

“Speaking of writing,” His mom walked over to his desk, rummaging around before she faced him victorious, holding a sharpie. “You can ask the other kids to sign your cast! It’s the perfect way to get the ball rolling, start those conversations!” 

He didn’t think many kids would want to hear about him falling out a tree. He could always mention the fact that he’d jumped, that had the possibility of receiving gen z solidarity. 

“Sounds perfect,” He tried for a smile, accepting the marker when his mother came closer, brushing his hair back and kissing his forehead. 

“Hey,” He looked up as she cupped his cheeks, keeping the smile on his face. “I’m proud of you already,” 

_ Maybe he got his awkwardness from his moms side _ , he thought to himself, knowing his smile was turning into a grimace. 

“Oh...good…” He pulled away, maintaining eye contact for a second longer before he turned, pulling his sneakers on. 

He heard his mother shifting around behind him as he took his meds, grabbing his bag near the doorway as he headed down the hall. 

His stomach was already full enough with anxiety, so he grabbed a piece of toast (making sure his mom saw him take a bite) heading outside when he got a text from Jared. 

“Bye mom, I love you,” He called, feeling the knots in his stomach tighten. 

“Have a great day! I love you, too!” She appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, blowing him a kiss in her cheesy mom way. 

He felt his chest tighten for a moment, then he returned the gesture, waving once before slipping outside. He stumbled down the front steps, making it to Jared’s car in no time. 

“Sorry,” He said as he buckled himself in, toast still firmly in his hand. Jared rolled his eyes, grinning anyways. 

“You’re just in time, let’s get this show on the road, eh?” Evan gave him a face, and he cackled, backing up. 

He doubted toast would stop the dread from crawling up his throat. 


	5. So Brand New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan makes one final encounter with Connor Murphy on the way into school, but this time, it doesn’t stay as lighthearted as he’d hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking died for like four weeks, I’m sorry. I’m back! I’m here, I’m queer, and I’ve brought Alana into the story. I love her, I don’t think she gets enough attention without being Zoe’s girlfriend in a lot of fics, so I wanted some friendship with her! Going with my gut vibes as usual, I changed the classic “Evan falls and gets big angsty” as well as changing the robotic dynamic Alana has at the beginning of the play. I dunno, I thought my angle puns were good. Anyways, please comment! I love reading comments, especially when people are willing to talk to lil ole me about really weird and sometimes specific things about this fic. Don’t be afraid to ask me questions or just talk to me in general. You can also find me on tumblr (@thatonedudeinthecorner) to do the same. Some people also like talking on discord? I have that too, so feel free to message me @TooAwkwardToFunction#2409. Okay, I’m done for now. Until next chapter!!

When Jared parked, Evan was tempted to immediately unbuckle and open the door, but he forced himself to keep it slow.   


“We’re supposed to go to the auditorium for our schedules and a short assembly,” Jared explained as he reached over to grab his bag from the backseat. 

Evan tried to listen, he really did, but his thoughts were too overwhelming. Sorry, Jared, but the brain wins this round of Evan’s attention span. “We can sit together if you want…?” 

Evan looked up from where he was forcing his arm to move towards his backpack, his eyes going to his still uneaten toast guiltily. “Sure?”

“Are you not listening again?” He laughed, plucking the piece of bread from Evan’s shaking fingers, taking a bite as he raised a brow in his direction.

“N-no, I was totally listening,” Evan watched as his friend ( _ family _ friend, he had to remember that) devoured his breakfast, feeling his stomach unfurl at the (maybe unintentional) gesture. “Wouldn’t you...I mean, I just assume that you would,” He picked at his cast, grateful that Jared’s mouth was full so he couldn’t yell at him for avoiding the topic. “Wouldn’t you rather sit with someone cooler?” 

He cringed at his wording, deflecting Jared’s rolled eyes by turning away to grab his bag. 

“New school, new Jared. I’ll be  _ cool _ later, right now I just want someone I know to be there…” Jared cleared his throat when he saw the look Evan was giving him. “And I know you, so like...no biggie,”

“Yeah...me too,” Evan cracked a smile, opening the door and sliding out. (It was more of a stumble but he can dream).

“You should tell everyone about how you fell outta that tree, it’s so fucking funny people will  _ have _ to at least laugh,” 

“I-I don’t know if I wanna be laughed at,” Evan grumbled, standing near the taillight awkwardly as he waited for Jared to make his way around the car. 

“Sure thing acorn. At least it’s a conversation starter?” 

“ _ Yeah _ ,” Evan tried to sound interested, remembering the enthusiasm his mom had barely thirty minutes before. Jared was giving him a sideways look as they walked, which only made him hunch down lower. “I said y-yeah,”

He felt the sympathetic pat Jared gave him (it was more of a slap on his back, but that wasn’t the point...at least,  _ Evan _ hoped not), curling his hands tighter around the straps of his bag. “C’mon, this is the first day of an incredibly awesome year, let’s be...optimistic!” 

“Optimistic?” Evan couldn’t help but cringe at the wording, his mom's voice ringing in the back of his head. 

“Stop sounding so—so  _ edgy _ . I’m trying to be a good bro to you, and you’re dragging my vibe down. If you keep it up, you’ll be competing with Murphy for the title of resident emo,” 

“Competing with me for what now?” Evan flinched, and the two whirled around to face the newcomer. 

None other than the emo himself. He should’ve seen this coming, Evan’s luck was always bad, and he kept running into Connor before. 

Twice was a coincidence, but now fate seemed to be shoving the two of them together in a nasty habit of awkward socialization. 

“Heeeey Connor!” Jared was quick to mask his embarrassment at being caught, eyeing the taller teen apprehensively. “I’m lovin’ the hair. Very...gender non-conforming trouble maker esque,” 

Connor blinked slowly at Jared, as if trying to decipher whether he was supposed to be offended or complimented. 

Evan was also just as confused, hiding a tiny smile behind a grimace when he realized how much his friend ( _ family _ friend) was struggling to regain his composure. 

“I don’t like cutting it because then the government will have easy access to my DNA,” He finally deadpanned, shifting ever so slightly closer to Jared. 

“But...the way hair works, strands of it will fall off almost everywhere you go?” Jared spluttered for a response, and Evan tried hard not to hide his face from secondhand embarrassment. 

“Yeah. But it makes it harder for them to study me, makes them work for it,” 

“Oh-kay,” Jared took a step back, giving Evan a glance before starting to walk away. “You’re such a freak,” 

Evan was snickering under his breath at Connor’s words, but the insult caught up to him a moment too late. 

  
Connor had stiffened beside him, one of his hands balled into a fist at his side. “I’m not a freak,” He muttered, then spun to face Evan, his face tight with anger. “Do you think I’m a freak? You’re laughing at me— _ you’re _ the freak!” 

Evan watched helplessly as Connor surged forward, pushing him roughly. His balance was already screwed up because of his cast, and thus he went tumbling, his butt hitting the ground hard.   


His arms had come up defensively somewhere between getting hit and falling, but through his hands he could see the stunned look on Connor's face. He was just as surprised as Evan was. 

The hurt look in his eyes from before flashed across Evan’s mind in a wave, mirroring the one on his face currently. 

They stayed there for what seemed like ages; Connor seconds from running away, and Evan with his arms still shielding his face. 

“I-I-I-I don’t—” Evan felt his breath hitch, and he shut his eyes tight for a second.  _ Everyone was looking at them. They were out in the open, in a parking lot for fucks sake. He’d just fallen on his ass in public. His first impression would be clumsy, a pushover, a loser. Everyone was too much. The sunlight was too much, the rough pavement touching his exposed ankles was too much, everything was ~~t o o m u c h~~ — _

“Hey, are you alright?” He blinked, trying to slow his breathing, but it was too far gone. A familiar face was looming above him, her eyebrows drawn together in a mixture of concern and curiosity. 

  
“W-w-what…” Alana Beck smiled awkwardly down at him, and he looked for Connor in the empty space around her. How long had he been sitting there? “Hi?” 

“Hello!” She greeted cheerfully, wasting no time in grabbing his arm and hauling him to his feet, respecting  _ no _ personal boundaries as she brushed his shoulders off enthusiastically. “Evan Hansen, what a pleasant surprise! I heard your audition a few weeks ago, so I shouldn’t be caught off guard but—here we are!” 

“H-here we are?” He repeated, already feeling bad that she had to touch his sweaty arm to help him up. 

“Yup! Here we are a few minutes shy of the beginning of the day! Come, we can sit together in the auditorium!” 

Evan nodded helplessly as she dragged him into the building, barely registering the blast of cold air that greeted him in favor of overthinking the hand still on his arm.  _ He was so gross, why was she touching him? _

“I came with my dad after convincing him that my extracurricular activities could potentially be a talent of mine, and when we were turning in the necessary paperwork, and my portfolio, I couldn’t help but overhear your lovely voice,” 

_ She must be secretly wanting to let go, should he just pry her hand off? Is she too embarrassed to do it herself because she’s afraid he might get offended? _

“I’ve never had a huge passion for singing myself, but I do quite enjoy the years I’ve spent taking violin lessons, I’ve even started branching out to other strings! I’m very fascinated with cellos, currently. It was tough between my summer internship, as well as the job I kept. I made many acquaintances there, it was an enjoyable experience, but I was committed to getting into Claremont. And here I am!” 

“Wow,” Was all Evan could muster through his half listening mind.

“Wow indeed,” She grinned at him, fixing her glasses with a hand as she pushed the auditorium door open with her shoulder. “Oh, we made it, with a few minutes to spare! I’ve been quite rude, I didn’t even think to ask you about your summer,” 

She led him to a seat three rows from the back, startling Jared to look up from his phone at their arrival. “We can converse about it, but you’ll have to make it quick, I won’t tolerate you speaking over the introduction to the school,” 

“Uh...nice of you to join me Evan and...girl who came in with Evan?” Jared quirked a brow at him, setting his phone down on his lap to focus on the conversation. 

“You know her,” Evan scolded, surprising himself with how even his voice came out. 

He quickly glanced at Alana, the gears slowing in his head. His breathing was back to normal.  _ Did she...do that on purpose? _

“That’s Alana Beck, she’s been on student council since middle school,” Jared blinked blankly at him. “S-she made the collage for spirit week that was hung up—that was shown during the p-pep rally?” If Jared’s face got anymore lost Evan was about to panic call his mom about a stroke. 

“I was the kid who protested the outdated sex education classes at the front of the school with the megaphone,” She deadpanned, fixing her glasses airily. 

“Oh yeeeeah, I loved that megaphone!” 

Evan sighed, slouching further into his seat. 

“I didn’t know you knew I did that collage,” She said to him quietly, looking over her shoulder at the teachers beginning to file into the room. 

“I was one of the kids who helped hang it up,” He muttered back, feeling a blush begin to climb its way up his neck. “You were the one who was shouting at Helen O’Brian from the bottom of her ladder because she wasn’t keeping the—”

“The 90° angle,” She smiled at him, and he nodded back. “It’s one of the best,” 

“I prefer 108,” Jared butted in, giving Evan a shit-eating grin. 

“I-I don’t really prefer any angle. I love, I mean, I like all angles equally,” 

“Aw, aren’t you  _ acute _ -ie,” Jared poked his cheek as Alana burst out laughing. Evan rolled his eyes, opening his mouth to retort when the lights were dimmed. 

The smile slipped off his face and Jared slowly retreated his hand, grabbing his phone instead. The anxiety was beginning to fill the pit in his stomach again, and Evan let his eyes skip closed just before (who he assumed was) the principal began to speak. 

Maybe this year would be different...maybe he could take a page in Jared’s book and start to feel...brand new?   
  
  


Or maybe it would go horribly wrong. 


End file.
